Friday, December 28, 2012

MUZZLED GURGLINGS

There's a lock must've gotten that when when when that metal is hot the Sun only gives life now to what can't be touched don't touch turn around and and not much can be turned around much.  It'll still be there where the alarm lifts your fucking back back into the dark morning that gets darker deeper into winter as it goes deeper went deeper last night no not last deeper didn't want it wasn't there hasn't been there when when when that metal is hot the Sun only gives life now to what can't be touched don't touch turn around and and not much can be turned around much.  The shadow moves on over the road shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the light off further out of getting to only the shadow just beyond the windshield holding the wheel with one hand looser and looser she always said "use two hands" for what? for this? on ahead for the shadow moves on over the road shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the blurry light off further out of getting to only the shadow shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the blurry light blurry and gloppy rubbing both of these cruddy eyes with the other hand trying to get the whatever out of these cruddy eyes lids with the red lumps coming back again again gloppy eyes gloppy light shoved by the shadow shoved by the shadow covering the road shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the gloppy blurry light off further out of getting to only the shadow shoving shoving.

"I'm not paying anyone any more compliments anymore."
"How could you?"
"How could I?"
"Yeah, how could you?"
"How could I what?"
"How could you pay?"
"I can't even turn my pockets out.  They've been ripped out or fallen away."
"To poke their collapsed faces out by your ankles and shaken away as you kick out your legs kicking out whatever else you have hanging around still in there dislodged when you shake a leg so to speak."
"So to speak.  And while I'm at it I may as well include that I might as well not open my mouth any more.  It just might dislodge whatever stupidity I've been suppressing all these hours or minutes.  Holding my breath feeling my ears throb and knowing the stagnant water of life will come flooding back into my head carrying with it your replies your replies that happen to have made their way to the top of the nearest bin others have been digging through and shuffling around the same 5 or 6 replies doesn't even seem that many."
"Has to be more than that."
"What makes you so sure?"
"There's the one about the 3 failures looking through bins themselves and what would you think of that?"
"How come you never seem to fall over standing in that manner?"
"What manner?"
"Without your toes touching the ground."
"You're becoming deficient in yet another area."
"Maybe, but look how your toes are lifted up like that.  Can't you feel the strain in your little muscles down there or has that gone extinct?"
"You're raving and tangential."
"Logarithmic you mean."
"Not even, however, if you do need to go just crack a window."
"I thought you scrawled that onto your list of sanctions after what I did to my hand."
"I did but when it comes to being able to breathe I have to make some exceptions.  Irregularities for the irregular, you know and you would know.  What a bloody mess you made."
"When it comes down to not wanting to breathe and the loss of blood being in pursuit of accomplishing one's emptiness can't even go all the way and bleed to death.  Wasn't a total loss unfortunately haven't bothered to getting around to clearing the threads out of the sink."
"Loss of bone, too.  I think I stepped on a piece of one of your knuckles."
"I thought it was 2 failures."
"Last I checked it was 3 failures.  Standing around bins."
"Thought this was based on us."
"Nothing is based on us.  What were you thinking?"
"The usual."
"The unusual you mean.  One of them has made quite a mound of things in his bin so that a considerable section of crap topples over the edge.  He decides to sit on the ground next to the spillage and take another excavative look at his initial rejections."
"Which one of them?"
"I'm getting to that."
"No, I mean which one of the failures is doing this sits on the ground with his spillage?"
"The first or the second.  Who cares?"
"Sitting down on the ground with his spillage.  The whole thing is beginning to sound like some metaphoric exercise in self-stimulation."
"Actually it was the third chap failure that is."
"The third one failure that is?"
"Yes, can I get back to the spillage?"
"Now it wouldn't be the third failure after all if you had stuck to only 2 and made it more based on us.  That's me saying this.  Me the one who cares.  That's who cares."
"I thought you stopped caring."
"I did.  You just can't remember."
"Because you keep coming out of fucking retirement."
"Not the overarching stuff.  I gave that up for good the last time we almost got caught trying to fill in the gaps in our wardrobe at the laundromat.  It's just the trivial shit I come out for."

Harnessing spit backing up into the face where it has its potential for misgivings read that wrong passing through doorways and stopping in one of them got a belt loop caught on a missed gesture not missed didn't miss a thing couldn't possibly respond with that clay pressed to form something that would be called lips lowering under the upper shelf of the refrigerator dark and empty like the hallways of school walking around as they stretch further apart think no one to see the face being made think clay pressed to form something that would be called lips lowering under the upper shelf of the refrigerator dark and empty like the hallways of school walking around as they stretch further apart thought that was a grade a voice somewhere in the walls down the hallway further on saying a grade whispering it or shouting it far away.

"The third bloke failure is sitting there next to his spillage on the ground."

And there was a pause.

"Go on."
"You're looking at me like a dog I came upon out near an abandoned substation."

And there was a pause.

"And how did he look at you?"
"She."
"How did she look at you?"
"Like I was going to take everything that troubled me out on her."

And there was a pause.

"And are you going to take everything that troubled you out on me?"
"Troubles.  Everything that troubles me.  Currently.  More has accumulated since then."

And there was a pause.

"And are you going to take everything that troubles you out on me?"

And without a pause, he answered.

"I haven't decided yet."

And without a pause, she put to him another question.

"What kind of dog was she?"
"Are you inquiring about my dog or about my wife?"
"You never had a wife."
"We were married in spirit."
"You never had a spirit."
"That's true.  And you never had one either."
"Dispossessed we are.  I remember I was invited when I was a child to another kid's birthday party.  I think his name was Erik."
"Erika."
"Erika, that's right.  You do have a good memory."
"It only seems that way because yours is so atrocious."
"I practice my forgetting due to all the insults."
"You pull them out of the contaminated and distended lake of your unconscious when it suits you."
"No matter the overcast haze of affirmations I have received, the teeth marks of invective come to mind more easily for some reason."
"Some reason."
"The third failure dug into his spillage of prior rejections and pulled out a poem."
"It wasn't a poem.  Let me tell it."
"And the poem was an adaptation of an illness."
"No poetry.  Let me tell it.  You'll ruin it."
"That's why I'm here.  The deformed block sticking conspicuously out of the hole in this part of the world.  Before you wore out the last pair of shoes you ever had you used to hammer another verse out of me."

She hung
She hung his picture
She hung his picture of his hanging
Where it hung 
until he was dead 
where he hung 
in the halls of his mind
where he hung
in his picture of his hanging
where she hung
hung his picture of his hanging
where it hung
from the scaffolding 
of her mind 
where she hung
herself
only
in her mind

"I seem to recall that we used to imagine we were staying for a night at a hotel."
"I thought we were in a hotel."
"You're imagining things."
"What?  Do you think this place isn't a hotel?"
"A burned out one."
"Burned out?  Us or the hotel?"
"Both.  What a pair.  Now can I get back to the 3 failures?"

And there was a pause again.  Somewhat like the one 2 pauses back being the antepenultimate also known as the third one from the end.  

"What did they find in their spillage?"
"Not poetry I can tell you if you let me tell it."
"Spillage.  That still sounds wrong or third rate at best."
"I think you're just unwilling to admit your own stimulation."
"I am peripherally aroused."
"Do tell."
"I try to keep you in the corner of the whites of my own eyes.  It's a security precaution.  You do understand?"
"Entirely.  Offense taken.  There was a party in that spillage."
"I'm sure there was.  Behind every party is a spillage.  I mean, behind every spillage is a party of some sort.  Just as the birthday party I was invited to."
"Either way."
"As a child."
"At this party one of the women there noticing that it seemed as if more than half the people had left she took it upon herself to clean up.  What appeared as less than half of the people who remained in a stupor standing there like the damaged pillars of a storm-battered boardwalk began to slowly converge on the woman with the excessive amounts of drinks and food.  Down the drain, please! she would bellow as they took turns standing before her.  And the night thickened to the sound of her voice instructing Down the drain, please!"


Harnessing spit backing up into the face where it has its potential for misgivings read that wrong passing through doorways and stopping in one of them got a belt loop caught on a missed gesture not missed didn't miss a thing couldn't possibly respond with that clay pressed to form something that would be called lips lowering under the upper shelf of the refrigerator dark and empty like the hallways of school walking around as they stretch further apart think no one to see the face being made think clay pressed to form something that would be called lips lowering under the upper shelf of the refrigerator dark and empty like the hallways of school walking around as they stretch further apart thought that was a grade a voice somewhere in the walls down the hallway further on saying a grade whispering it or shouting it far away.

"I was invited to this birthday party when I was a child by another kid in my neighborhood named Erik."
"Erika."
"Erika.  And his family."
"Her family."
"And her family had invited this clown.  He had his own television show and I was freaked out when they turned on their set and he appeared in it.  I thought we were going to each get transported into the television set and I was wondering when I would be next when I got the hint they were trying to take a picture of Erik with the clown."
"Erika."
"Erika and the clown were posing for a picture.  I stood there and faced the clown looking at his colors.  I thought he had a really big hat until I felt how big his feet his shoes were when one of them kicked me away out of the picture. I found it easier to live in a kennel than a home.  I could turn my back on it all.  They'd shake me out of the box to get my attention my attention to them and where it was really devoted?  To finding the corners.  That's where they wanted me anyway so they could go about their business paying no attention so the pet could adjust to its new setting.  My setting where it belonged out of the picture."


she always said "use two hands" for what? for this? on ahead for the shadow moves on over the road shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the blurry light off further out of getting to only the shadow shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the blurry light blurry and gloppy rubbing both of these cruddy eyes with the other hand trying to get the whatever out of these cruddy eyes lids with the red lumps coming back again again gloppy eyes gloppy light shoved by the shadow shoved by the shadow covering the road shoving shoving like a tractor shoving like a tractor the gloppy blurry light off further out of getting to only the shadow shoving shoving.

she always said "use two hands" 

for what?


- Max Stoltenberg






Monday, December 10, 2012

UNTITLED

Who lives there now that is there that is living that is who that is or was living that was living was there that was someone was together was together had some kind of thing involving some kind of putting some things together to appear involved involving putting some things together to appear to have it together had it together was living that was living was there that was someone was together was together had some kind of thing involving some kind of putting some things together to appear involved involving some things together lots of things together couldn't park in the garage saw inside the garage once lots of wood lots of metal lots of plastic looked plastic looked like wood looked like lots was lots that was didn't spot any things that looked like containers containers of things that looked like food that was food was food what what is what is the matter of course they keep kept that inside in the kitchen better that way for them that is that was that was.

Reaching the empty lot full of empty plastic bags from all the stores separated by empty lots full of empty plastic bags from all the stores separated by empty plastic bags that were blown about empty lots that were filled with lots of empty plastic bags from all the stores separated by empty lots filled with lots of empty plastic bags that were blown about all the stores separated by empty lots that were filled by lots of empty plastic bags from all the stores surrounded by empty lots separated by stores separated by empty lots filled with lots of empty plastic bags that were blown about the empty wind filled with lots of empty plastic bags blown about.

Was that thought too loud?  Lips had to have been moving.  How do you say that think that just think that or don't let it go don't let it go that's the problem quite a problem can't be quiet in there or in here or out here or out there no one is looking no one is noticing no one is around blown around those empty bags of empty thoughts that take up too much space in this empty head filled with empty thoughts blown about the stores of memory looking over the jackets at that face that's just that or don't let it go that's the problem so it's said so no one gets ahead that head mouth that face not listening to that shit for advice a decree an advertising campaign a poster getting it taken out of him somewhere in the section where the looking looking over the jackets at that face that's just that or don't don't let it don't let it go and that's not a problem by itself in itself another problem layer grew there overnight not over it are you not over it yet? are you finding what you need that's just that pretending to be finding something just so you could keep looking over the jackets at that face that's just that pretending to have found that face perhaps the next section.

By the toothpaste the cap left off the squelched laughter letting shavings of awkwardness stick to the counter.  Nested mumbling couldn't be less fortunate in the hands of chairs broken by backs.  Spitting out her foam into the sink her breath required the rest of her body ridding itself by itself in itself another problem layer grew there overnight not over it are you not over it yet? are you finding what you need that's just that pretending to be finding something just so you could keep pretending to have found that face perhaps the next section by the toothpaste by the cap by the toothpaste by the toothpaste cap left off

left off the torn out
never boldness flirts
with eyes into the corner
of a book wheezing
passages of turning others in
turning them in
turning us in
to off to
off to the outlets
turning us into the outlets
in the wall

patting us on the bruises
not so dense 
more tender fragile flesh
not so far
underneath
watch the schools of buttons
swimming together
right there to be pushed


never boldness flirts
with eyes into the corner
of a book wheezing
passages of turning others in
turning them in
turning us in
left off the torn out
torn out



left off

left off 

by 

by the 

by the?

I'm trying to see.

If you'd stop squinting and put on your glasses.

Must you crawl all over me?  I am not squinting that much.

I put in a brighter bulb this time.

You finally got off your floppy ass and went out and got some of the 200s?

We actually had some and why in the name of all that is asthmatic would I get 200s?  You want me to set everyone's hair on fire?

Not everyone.  Only when they require something to read by in this room.

You know how I feel about putting up one's feet in this room.  

I haven't mentioned a word about you not getting around to cleaning up your collection of molds off the table.

They won't come off.

You have to use something resembling a sponge soaked in something resembling a cleaning agent.  You can't call a cheese grater appropriate for the task at hand.

You're still convinced I've been sent.

On the contrary, I took you with the apartment knowing full well you've been loitering trying to avoid the cleaning fee while neither of us has a vacuum cleaner.

That's not the only fee we've been avoiding.

I haven't seen anything resembling an agent.

left off

left off torn out

torn out reaching the empty lot full of empty plastic bags from all the stores separated by empty lots full of empty plastic bags from all the stores no one gets ahead that head mouth that face not listening to that shit for advice a decree an advertising campaign a poster getting it taken out of him somewhere in the section where the looking looking over the jackets at that face that's just that or don't don't let it don't let it go and that's not a problem by itself in itself another problem layer grew there overnight not over it are you not over it yet? are you finding what you need that's just that pretending to be finding something just so you could keep looking over the jackets at that face that's just that pretending to have found that face perhaps the next section.

Reaching the empty lot sharp fingers of weeds stick out catching the cuff of a pant leg cutting through the denim torn out from before holes up and down knees and thighs never intertwined she found someone more her focus that's what it was was living that was living was there that was someone was together was together had some kind of thing involving some kind of putting some things together to appear involved involving putting some things together to appear to have it together had it together was living that was living was there perhaps in the next section are you finding what you need? that's just that pretending to be finding something just so you could keep looking over the jackets at that face that's just that pretending to have found that face perhaps the next section.

she squinted at him

she squinted at the world around him

and closed her eyes 

and closed her eyes on him

didn't spot any things that looked like containers containers of things that looked like food that was food was food what what is what is the matter of course they keep kept that inside in the kitchen better that way for them that is that was that was.



- Max Stoltenberg

Sunday, November 25, 2012

CHIMNEY SIDEBAR

Blew it.  A boneless blast fluttered between her pursed lips speckled with the crumbs of crackers packaged in his and hers matching bowels feeling a tad inside out muscles exposed messages mixed tamped down like tobacco into the bowl of a pipe sprinkled with the flame that won't catch and has only the remains of strings attached strings of smoke pulling pulling for no one.  Blew it.  A boneless blast fluttered between her pursed lips speckled with the crumbs of crackers packaged in his and hers matching bowels feeling a tad inside out muscles exposed messages mixed tamped down like tobacco into the bowl of a pipe sprinkled with the flame that won't catch and has only the remains of strings attached strings of smoke pulling pulling for no one.  Blew it.  Feeling a tad inside out throwing out cold shoulders into a little collar a little hot under the collar someone else had read it, too, and you did have it incorrect the first time and you're not sure if you get it now.  

Have another slice and see if you can pull it off didn't think we could make it up here didn't think we could get this stuck this far stuck asking how it is he was asking how things are the carpet mostly in our habitat full of the smell of routine we lobbed it out there onto the rug our grenade and act so surprised when it left its blackened attempts at whipping ourselves into a theater of expectations hot lights on the hot dirt our sandals thinning this roof over our heads and underneath our asses thinning out.  Thinning out for a thin slice have another slice and see if you can pull it off didn't think we could make it up here didn't think we could get this stuck this far stuck asking how it is he was asking how things are the carpet mostly in our habitat full of the smell of routine we lobbed it out there onto the rug our grenade and act.  

"Are you going to hang out your shingle?"

"I'll hang you out."
"You've been one to deal with me at arm's length."
"One of many who came before me."
"Rich in habit and poor in everything else."
"I do crave a drink."
"What kind?"
"What's the point?  You know I'm getting tired of this exercise of of what cluster of muscles did you call them?"
"You can discard that one."
"Whatever happened to our deck?"
"Another abandoned project of yours."
"I don't mean the fiasco in the backyard, I mean the deck of cards.  What happened to them?"
"I have no idea."
"What's happened to you?"
"I meant you could discard the idea of muscles as in hitting the discard button on a computer."
"What happened to our hardware?"
"Are you deliberately asking that way so I have to choose between wondering if you're referring to what happened to our computers or our own brains?"
"Only if you insist on imposing a mechanical model on human nature."
"Isn't that what remained unspoken when I said I do?"
"You're acting very cold my dear metal monster."
"I'm sweaty."
"Careful you might rust right in the middle of a bitch slap."
"Then I'll have to make it quick."
"Take your time.  I haven't been able to nod off for the longest stretch."
"If you were able to manage a nod off you could actually lean into it and tumble over the edge."
"When it comes to my way of asking that would be asking too much."
"Even if you're able to miss those tall weeds there and hit the concrete we're not high enough and you'd at your best would end up paralyzed."
"That's an unpromising prospect.  I'm already paralyzed at my best."
"Then again I'd dislodge what imagination you had left."
"I have to keep what imagination I have left in otherwise if it makes contact with the outside air it begins to mold and rot."
"I was thinking of putting something together."
"With our shit for leftovers?"
"A fragment of a story."
"How can you put together a fragment?"

Have another slice and see if you can pull it off didn't think we could make it up here didn't think we could get this stuck this far stuck asking how it is he was asking how things are the carpet mostly in our habitat full of the smell of routine we lobbed it out there onto the rug our grenade and act so surprised when it left its blackened attempts at whipping ourselves into a theater of expectations hot lights on the hot dirt our sandals thinning this roof over our heads and underneath our asses thinning out.

"I was thinking of putting something together."
"With our shit for leftovers?"

They didn't know how to pronounce her name with all their abbreviations and acronyms and nicknames that new arrivals assumed because they were too tired to discuss it any further with the more seasoned the pillars that salted the Earth with their ejaculations at the visitors and their being made to look silly at the visitors and their brokenness they had to swallow to coat their insides to stomach and say the right words to give the impression they were open to healing at the hands of those who justified the need for repair in the first place at the visitors and their being made to stay with nowhere else to go.  

"Was that it?"
"I don't think so."
"What's happened to you?"
"I think it may have been a poem instead."

Towards nothing
Not even the horizon
Not even that
Uneven even now

Windows darkening
Eyes unable to close
Mind lit up with exploding hopes
Words that go boom
Expressions that are nothing
But duds

Hair tied back
Hair pulled out
Floats limply
In the filthy water
Thought it was water
Having nothing left
Having fallen 
Having fallen back
Into this trough
Another trough
Reserved for what wanders by
Left for what gets stranded
The only meaning
Is what's meant for those
having fallen 
fallen back
Into this trough

"Is there any more?"
"Remember what you asked about fragments?"
"I try not to.  It only spoils whatever leftovers I can eke out."
"So you just settle for repeating yourself?"
"Pretty much.  Speaking of, must you keep your hair pulled back so tight and all the time?  It makes you look like a skid-mark hurtling at me."
"We've been over this too many times.  You know perfectly well why I can't let it down."
"My remarks about reusing toilet paper?"
"I know you said it was pointless earlier."
"You make it sound like pointlessness is subject to time."
"I'd still like to know what kind of drink you're craving."


Windows darkening
Eyes unable to close

"I'm not craving anything anymore."
"You always say that after you've mentioned what you've been craving."
"Forget I mentioned it."
"I won't."
"You what?"
"I said I won't forget you mentioned it."
"Then then . . ."
"Go ahead."
"Go ahead what?"
"Go ahead and say it."

Feeling a tad inside out throwing out cold shoulders into a little collar a little hot under the collar someone else had read it, too, and you did have it incorrect the first time and you're not sure if you get it now.  

"I said I won't forget you mentioned it."
"Then then . . ."
"Spit it out.  You didn't have to back up that far."
"What?  I backed up that far because you backed up that far."

That was what what was was that was what was what was that what was that episode where there was the office and the girl the office girl the woman who ran the office she did everything for everyone practically ran the office or was she in charge?  How old was she how old she was.  She was actually the administrator how old she was still there told everyone that it was her career when her time there expanded her duties shoved the rest of her off the balcony not enough room for her ideas on the upper floor only what was lifted from below.  What was what was that what was that episode?


"We've been over this too many times.  You know perfectly well why I can't let it down."
"My remarks about reusing toilet paper?"
"I know you said it was pointless earlier."
"You make it sound like pointlessness is subject to time."
"I'd still like to know what kind of drink you're craving."
"I'm not craving anything anymore."
"You always say that after you've mentioned what you've been craving."
"Forget I mentioned it."
"I won't."
"You what?"
"I said I won't forget you mentioned it."
"Then then . . ."
"Go ahead."
"Go ahead what?"
"Go ahead and say it."
"Fuck you?"
"No not that."
"Fuck you."
"No."
"That's not it?"
"No, I said."
"What am I supposed to say then?"
"Say please."
"Please fuck me?  I mean please fuck you?"
"No you dung-beetle.  You're supposed to say please forget I mentioned it."
"OK.  Please forget I mentioned it."
"I like when you talk dirty like that."
"What's dirty about that?"
"It's the only time you have that look like you've said something you shouldn't and I don't mean that you're being ridiculous although you are it's the only time you look like you're being something that hints of something hinting of something else and I try to give myself the idea you're being forward because with all my having no idea about anything and so that's what I think OK?"
"So you want me to say it again?"
"Damn it all.  Forget I mentioned it."
"And that has more grit for you when I add please?"
"What's the point?  What remained of that cocktail lounge is long gone anyway.  What was it called?  Hammered, I think."
"Plowed or was it The Three Sheets?"
"Someone plowed it away whatever it was named."
"Whatever."
"It's only a matter of time before we hear the machines coming closer in the next dust storm."
"It's just the wind my dear clanking artificial humanoid."
"You've cornered the market in artificial intelligence you elbow-headed ass."
"The wind and the noise of humanity: a match made in the restroom of existence.  My over-ripe peach, just tell yourself it's hot air then."
"Every time you open your mouth or any of the other openings on you that haven't been completely clogged up with your shit."
"It's getting there."
"They've closed the gates for good."
"Shall we assemble a commentary tomorrow on the quality of the devastation we can see?"
"If there isn't a dust storm tomorrow."
"And if there is another dust storm?  What then?"
"We'll assemble a commentary on the dust storm then."
"Assembling commentary is all we can put together from the wreckage."
"They've closed the gates for good."
"Tall fucking things aren't they?"
"They are fucking tall."
"What do you think they're made out of?"
"I think they're made out of what they won't admit."
"I'm glad success passed us by."
"Why?"
"So we wouldn't have to play pretend and keep acting for a larger and larger audience."
"Instead we cover our faces during the next dust storm trying not to pretend for a smaller and smaller audience an audience more less than one every other line."
"More or less."

A boneless blast fluttered between her pursed lips speckled with the crumbs of crackers packaged in his and hers matching bowels feeling a tad inside out muscles exposed messages mixed tamped down like tobacco into the bowl of a pipe sprinkled with the flame that won't catch and has only the remains of strings attached strings of smoke pulling pulling for no one.  Blew it.  

- Max Stoltenberg

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

SANITATION AND NAPKINS

Corner of a sandwich missing a bite mark passing through layers of cheese and ham and lettuce and being and its being tired that seems to fill the room with slow ticking and itching drew some blood on the canvas of an arm did the skin have to apparently apparently it did holding out a hand with fingers with fingernails did the skin have to apparently apparently it did holding out a hand with fingers with fingernails there was no space to fill the room no space at hand so much for holding out in a room filled with stupidity patterns in interior design nothing it's nothing really really it's nothing drew some blood.

In a classroom eyes roll in response to comments that spill out from between yellow teeth like a puddle of spit darkening the grout didn't feel that building up under such a surface a rougher surface perhaps keep your eyes down looking at the small print so small looking down at it looks like a tiny crushed bug the one that crawled through a quickly appearing and disappearing spot of light coming from the Sun through the window high up the grey wall near the ceiling just before a fingertip broke its body into small print keep your eyes down looking at the small print looking down at it looks like a tiny crushed bug in a classroom eyes roll in response to comments that spill out from between yellow teeth like a puddle of spit darkening the grout didn't feel that building up under such a surface a rougher surface perhaps.

Leave It
(a poem stolen off a steno pad forgotten in a shopping cart brought along for the ride in a septic truck and contemptuously balled up and tossed out the window)

Leave it
Leave it now
Don't bother with that spider
Put down the rolled up newspaper
Magazine
Put down the magazine
Looked like a newspaper 
Black and white

Leave it
Leave it now
Stop with the buttons
Pushing this pushing that
Don't touch the DVD player
Magazine
Turn off the movie
Things
Staying put to escape
Getting out into the drying land
Held in place
End the film

Leave it
Leave it now
Mouth wanting
Wanting mouth
Chewing into this face
Gasping every morsel
Tongue sends out
each and every twisted
expression
Leave it 
leave it now

leave it
leave it
now
Towards the side
opening onto a chasm
Pulling the window glass across
shutting it in 
the laughter
from the other side 
the wall's sounds
is it someone hurt?
sounds so young or old
now it's in here
shut in against the glass
against the chasm
leave it
leave it now

They're going out were here only a few minutes enough time not to hear a word before they go out again and they're off this rocker rocking lulling into water for drinking our own lubrication lulling into watery eyes rolling eyes oiling the machines moving in and out of the houses when arriving they're going out were here only a few minutes enough time not to hear a word about it about the time about the one about not being about it about the time about the one about not being about the time when arriving they're going out were here only a few minutes enough time not to hear a word before they go out again and they're off this rocker rocking lulling into water for drinking our own lubrication lulling into watery eyes rolling eyes oiling the machines moving in and out of the houses.


Dear Sir, 

It comes once in a month's lifetime on a daily basis with way too much obnoxious warning that the weeks have run out through a hole in your memory (not yours, mine or yours and mine or not yours and not mine) when you swore you could have seen this coming when you swore you could have sworn something fell into your coffee trying to figure out what in the fuck it was could have been a chunk from that shitty patch of ceiling you call a repair.  Need to find a spoon to see what some stirring will bring to the top.

On behalf of the elk you ran into, the children you confused and the tree you cut down into our last house, a word of elaboration on the topic I do not want to discuss for it would occupy too much space here in light of the dark facts in addition to your having lost some of your weight but not your ignorance in my estimation as well as that part of my mind that was consumed sufficiently with you to fire off this little missive.

For I do not presume to trust that this projectile will find you incapacitated with stomach upset or an illness of the malignant and deteriorating kind.  You may not have even read this far being of short attention span and fuse to go back to resting on your laurels of an epistemology founded on having a scrotum increasing your chances above that of flies.  Alas, mine have been and will continue to be somewhere in between despite your proving what order you belong to as evidenced by your preferring to grow in cold and moist areas.  Keeping my knees together while flushing you away the walls look thinner when I had expected them to thicken.  What is continuing to make those gouges?  And in every fucking room, you know?  I have worked so hard to make myself as lonely as possible and something still continues to nibble away at it.

From L

p.s. and why must they be so slow?


It's nothing really really it's nothing drew some blood.  Corner of a sandwich missing a bite mark passing through layers of cheese and ham and lettuce and being and its being tired that seems to fill the room with slow ticking and itching drew some blood on the canvas of an arm did the skin have to apparently apparently it did holding out a hand with fingers with fingernails did the skin have to apparently apparently it did holding out a hand with fingers with fingernails there was no space to fill the room no space at hand so much for holding out in a room filled with stupidity patterns in interior design.

"Did you get that?"
"I think so."
"So I'm not completely crazy."
"Then again I'm getting along in years and the old bowling ball of neural jell-o is not like it used to be."
"So I am completely crazy."
"Uh, yes.  In a nutshell and that's what is currently producing my gibberish."
"I want to know what is producing that noise."
"Sounds like people talking."
"Is this going to be another one of your lead-ins to bitching about the stark chambers discourse has been exiled to?"
"Maybe they're wearing bearded beanies and that would account for the muffling?"
"Are you suggesting it might be a hostage situation?"
"I just posited a novelty item.  How does it go from something novel to the taking of hostages?"
"Maybe you're right.  You should listen to yourself."
"Listen to myself?  How can I when I have all this debris of conversations affecting the performance of my sense organs?  Can't get past the parties and the games.  They were decorated with laughter the laughter I only noticed when I looked up and saw their faces and then I understood the laughter and how I had the rules all wrong.  It was what they said about me and what I couldn't do that was the way it was going to happen and it did.  Now the encouraging words and what was possible and supposed to be freed up inside me and used to help others and change things that ended up never being how things were played.  The aim of their abuse was always so accurate.  It was the hope that turned out so off target and misleading."
"You should take action and coordinate a rescue operation and play down the performance and sense organs portion."
"I'm not coordinating anything.  You coordinate something.  The only operation I'll be attending is to take care of a fistula I've been plagued with."
"Brap!"
"Goodness, what was that?"
"I know it wasn't very ladylike, but I did have a soda with my spicy wings."
"That was loud.  Chipped my skull."
"Good.  I needed a diversion from the details of your operation."
"I need a diversion from the details of my operation."
"Are you going to get the hostages out of there or what?"
"Of course not.  Even if there were hostages in there, I would rather that they each individually learn to practice waiting for natural organic stabilization."
"What?"
"I can go right there.  I can see and feel myself in the bathroom with the window open leaning against the towel rack and hear the breeze watch the fence gently sway until that flipping dog starts yapping."
"Comes across as a long-winded way of saying get over it.  I can go right there, too.  You and your sense organs.  And your performance.  His performance.  Nodding off with my chin against a pillow against a shoulder asked to move because I was cutting into his skin.  About to nod off again and my cell chimes my brother's chimes had to answer it.  Sister is dead car accident a red light runner so much for the afterglow of my orgasm.  It's gone.  Just like that.  All there was was the stretched and warped design on the blanket and I collapse on the bed and roll over and pass through this shaft of light that keeps appearing and disappearing.  And then that's when it started when it ended.  Somewhere else outside that room something took place something went down and the room wasn't empty like I used to think it was.  It was full of so much shit that there was no longer any room for anything to change.  It started then when it ended.  It was gone.  Just like that."


- Max Stoltenberg

Sunday, October 28, 2012

IT WASN'T

It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned somewhere in the muffled whispers of confused thoughts that an asphalt rug was being rolled out over so many others their voices could not be distinguished from the glaring silence.  Was that when?  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned that it had never dawned on any somewhere anywhere.  So much ado about one immense false start.  Just forget it.  That's what they said at all those points that had stopped working strung together with a whole lot of nothing.  There was coughing.  There was that shit.  And there was that as well.  It wasn't when the lights went out.  Was that when?  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned somewhere in the muffled whispers of confused thoughts that an asphalt rug was being rolled out over so many others their voices could not be distinguished from the glaring silence.  All the music was gone.  Replaced by the sludge in the throat tightening to flush it all down.  It had suddenly dawned that it had never dawned on any somewhere anywhere.

"What is she?"

It wasn't how they looked when they let go and gave the impression that they weren't sure.  It wasn't that.  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't how certain they appeared how absolute the separation spread and was sucked into their face like cocoa butter into dry red skin and was engulfed by their blue eyes.  It wasn't how they looked when they let go and gave the impression that they weren't sure.  It wasn't that.  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't how certain they appeared or how anything appeared or how uncertain any impression scratched the surface certainly not the first one but then again the others they've made their appearances just keep mentioning those or don't.  It wasn't that.  It couldn't have been that.

"What is she doing now?"

It wasn't because of a withdrawing that the sand on the edge of that cliff spilled out from between their toes.  It wasn't that.  It couldn't possibly have been that.  Have to always look around for a window?  Do they?  Find some hole in the dark clouds?  Do they?  Have to skin their knuckles writing with that rock in the asphalt rug?  Do they?  Marking that spot with that X that marks the spot?  Do they?  It wasn't the having or not having?  It wasn't that.  It couldn't possibly have been that.  It couldn't possibly have been having been wrapped up in it.  That one little patch of skin that hasn't been eaten away yet.  Just underneath the flow and the just forget it they kept going on about just underneath it carries all those microscopic particles of existence all those teeth taking more bites out.  It wasn't that.  It wasn't because of a withdrawing that the sand on the edge of that cliff spilled out from between their toes.  It wasn't that.  It couldn't possibly have been that.

"What is she doing now?"
"Seeing another asshole."

It wasn't.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned somewhere in the muffled whispers of confused thoughts that an asphalt rug was being rolled out over so many others their voices could not be distinguished from the glaring silence.  Was that when?  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned that it had never dawned on any somewhere anywhere.  So much ado about one immense false start.  Just forget it.  That's what they said at all those points that had stopped working strung together with a whole lot of nothing.  There was coughing.  There was that shit.  And there was that as well.  It wasn't when the lights went out.  Was that when?  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned somewhere in the muffled whispers of confused thoughts that an asphalt rug was being rolled out over so many others their voices could not be distinguished from the glaring silence.  All the music was gone.  Replaced by the sludge in the throat tightening to flush it all down.  It had suddenly dawned that it had never dawned on any somewhere anywhere.  All the music was gone disappeared into the Earth and leaked out very sluggishly in a grinding and a groaning drowning out the wind passing through the trees.  

"What is she doing now?"
"Seeing another asshole."
"Let's just forget it."
"He said continuing to look through the binoculars," he said continuing to recall his latest nightmare of finding himself in the backseat of his aunt's car holding himself as an infant with diarrhea and the vehicle has somehow crashed into a wall of cancerous cells inside the dying pancreas of his grandmother.
"That's a good idea.  Instead you can finish that story about the depressed astronaut who volunteers for the space expedition to find and go into a black hole."
"He finds a black hole in his throat."
"Fuck you, man.  What is she doing now?"
"Seeing another horror film."

That's what they said at all those points that had stopped working strung together with a whole lot of nothing.  There was coughing.  There was that shit.  And there was that as well.  It wasn't when the lights went out.  Was that when?  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned somewhere in the muffled whispers of confused thoughts that an asphalt rug was being rolled out over so many others their voices could not be distinguished from the glaring silence.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it was then that was so apparent how so many bodies disappeared.  It wasn't that.  It couldn't have possibly been how they did it.  Was that when?  It couldn't have been that.  It wasn't when the lights went out that it suddenly dawned that it had never dawned on any somewhere anywhere.  So much ado about one immense false start.  Just forget it.


- Max Stoltenberg

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

OFF THE BALD FACE PORCH

Pissed.  Nothing else could possibly capture it especially since the piss ran all over the floor where it seemed to spread the echoes of urination leaving the faucet of her lower body and toes lifted up and splashed down into the warmth looking at the tile forming a description an upcoming contrast with the yellow and it occurred to her like all the other things that occurred occurred to her that the tile was yellow already yellow this yellowing life and setting had been yellowed already late as usual taking it on the scalp where the hair of bald face lies grow back exposing more open patches ran all over the floor where it seemed to spread the echoes of urination leaving the faucet of her lower body and toes lifted up and splashed down into the warmth looking at the tile forming a description an upcoming contrast with the yellow and it occurred to her like all the other things that occurred occurred to her that the tile was yellow already yellow this yellowing life and setting had been yellowed already late as usual taking it on the scalp where the hair of bald face lies grow back exposing more open patches ran all over the floor where it seemed to spread the echoes of urination leaving the faucet of her lower body.

Her lower body.  Going down.  Heading for a crack a cracked head splitting headache an ugly split from which she kept diverging the void in her empty life widening across the gore heading for a crack a cracked head splitting headache an ugly split from which she kept diverging the void in her empty life widening across the gore across the clouds across the sea across the porch felt something would feel something outside on the porch and go through it not just the door go through it the routine the routine of being foiled among the fences wiry numbers and their clinging digits won't come out in the wash after wash coming back again skin wrinkling into her eyes the curtains dark thick won't respond to the pulling the unfurling knows better now can't cover the windows now knowing better about the windows and yet just a better longer list of the obvious still stuck knowing better about the windows stuck on the windows on the world the windows on the living room the dying room stuck on looking out stuck on looking in the windows are stuck uncovered.

"Where were you?"
"Where was I?"
"Yes, where were you?"
"In bed most likely."
"Most likely probably, but I wasn't asking about that.  I was trying to bring you back to where you were in the story."
"In the story?"
"The story you were telling."
"The story I was telling?  I thought you meant the story I was in."
"No, not that one.  That's a different story."
"Really?  I thought it was the same old story."
"Why are you touching your chest when you say that?"
"Why are you touching your chest?"
"I was just trying to show you what you were doing."
"Is this where you tell me maybe I hadn't thought things through before I got here?"
"Not maybe, you didn't think things through."
"I don't miss that photograph of me and my parents it was photoshopped you know," she said rubbing her face with her hand.
"Having trouble waking up?"
"I'm having trouble wiping your bullshit off my face."
"I didn't know they had photoshop back then but your breast size doesn't exactly match your age."
"That's right.  In your day you and your family cropped your memories with a pair of scissors and denial."

The porch and the next door neighbor's itinerary scribbled in the yard and tangled up in with the weeds as a kite doesn't know where to go with it just wants to find some wind and you had to open your fucking mouth wrap some gauze around your head and when it's on good and tight don't know why the word "good" is in there except to replace something like "until bloody snot falls out of your nose" and then you'll find it necessary for some reason for some reason to be necessary while you wonder who slammed the little doors under the bathroom sink can't sink can't sink into it can't sink into the bed for the darkness to envelope you no can't sink into it the bed pushes against the spine to pry you off used to like rubbing thick fingers stained with his cigars into the top of your head of long hair until one day he brought his thick fingers united in his angry palm down on the top of your head.

"Where were you?"

Don't know don't know why don't know why the word "good" is in there except to replace something like "until bloody snot falls out of your nose" and then you'll find it necessary for some reason for some reason to be necessary while you wonder who slammed the little doors under the bathroom sink can't sink can't sink into it can't sink into the bed for the darkness to envelope you no can't sink into it the bed pushes against the spine to pry you off used to like rubbing thick fingers stained with his cigars into the top of your head of long hair until one day he brought his thick fingers united in his angry palm down on the top of your head.

"Where were you?"
"Where was I?"
"Yes, where were you?"

Don't don't tell them don't tell them that don't tell them what?  come on, don't tell them what?  that you were disappointed?  that you were covered in your own disappointment standing in front of the windows on the world the windows looking in on what you were covered in the clouds are too high for your disappointment covered in it steaming while standing there covered in it and feeling a slight chill from the outside leaking in through the sill hairs on the arm bending towards the chill bending towards the glass bending towards the porch bending towards the weeds bending towards the clouds that are too high for your disappointment covered in it steaming while standing there covered in it and feeling a slight chill until they tell you to get away from the windows they'll get you unstuck with those thick fingers united in his angry hand brought down on the top of your head and the long head of hair the long face bring that long face away from the windows bringing you back bringing you back.

"Where were you?"

The porch waving at people from the porch as they pass by thinking about their passing waving in return passing by and returning to pass by the next day tomorrow the porch waving at people from the porch as they pass by thinking about their passing waving in return passing by and returning to pass by the next day the next tomorrow continuing to wave continuing to pass by to return to pass by continuing to think about their passing passing thoughts passing into passing and bringing the hand down to the skirt to the lower body missing the thigh and instead pushing some of the skirt into one of the holes of the milk crate on the porch.

"Where were you?"
"Where was I?"
"Yes, where were you?"
"In bed most likely."
"Most likely probably, but I wasn't asking about that.  I was trying to bring you back to where you were in the story."
"In the story?"
"The story you were telling."
"The story I was telling?  I thought you meant the story I was in."
"No, not that one.  That's a different story."
"Really?  I thought it was the same new one."
"The same new one?  Is that what we're telling ourselves now?"
"Or I could bring myself back to the story I was telling."
"And I'll pop in and out while you do."
"And I can rock back and forth while you pop in and out."
"You're on a fucking milk crate."
"I've always had the wrong furniture wherever I've been.  Getting hooked on handles tearing dresses bruises on my legs from corners and legs.  Tried joking about it and it wasn't long before even I was no longer amused.  It was like I got to hear myself as well.  It's one thing not to be able to fit in somewhere it is quite another to realize you're being barely tolerated.  Makes you back up from the handles.  I was told when I was growing up that I needed to stand in the gap I just didn't know it would be between the dresser with all the drawers of boxes of cancelled checks and dad's porn mags underneath and the back of the closet."
"Aren't you neglecting the whole idea of purpose?"
"Purpose?"
"You need to start with the purpose something serves in order to make it fit in the proper spot."
"I don't know about that.  I've come to feel it in my body, clothes, and my head, my thoughts that it's about the role you play.  It's in my head and my thoughts that I don't have the right furniture in there as well.  I rearrange and rearrange until something bumps against something else and it's not about knocking all that shit down it's that the shit breaks through your wall and you're left with a sudden change in cabin pressure.  It's more about the role you've been playing over and over or the different roles you've been trying out for and it doesn't matter whether it's the ones that you're forced into or it happens to be a day you can plunger the toilet.  It doesn't matter with the passing by and the waving they want to stop and talk and tell you they don't like the way you play."
"You thought I said purpose.  Maybe it was awareness."
"Is that what we're telling ourselves now?  I thought awareness was how old you needed to be before you learned how doomed you are."
"Something like that."
"We have to be getting warmer when it becomes obvious all the cold that will fill everything after this failure of taking up space."


Pissed.  Nothing else could possibly capture it especially since the piss ran all over the floor where it seemed to spread the echoes of urination leaving the faucet of her lower body and toes lifted up and splashed down into the warmth looking at the tile forming a description an upcoming contrast with the yellow and it occurred to her like all the other things that occurred occurred to her that the tile was yellow already yellow this yellowing life and setting had been yellowed already late as usual taking it on the scalp where the hair of bald face lies grow back exposing more open patches ran all over the floor where it seemed to spread the echoes of urination leaving the faucet of her lower body and toes lifted up and splashed down into the warmth looking at the tile forming a description an upcoming contrast with the yellow and it occurred to her like all the other things that occurred occurred to her that the tile was yellow already yellow this yellowing life and setting had been yellowed already late as usual taking it on the scalp where the hair of bald face lies grow back exposing more open patches ran all over the floor where it seemed to spread the echoes of urination leaving the faucet of her lower body.

"Where were you?"

Was it the story about the orange slime working its way into the town and we join the action where the slime has reached into the dumpster behind the taco drive-through?

"Where were you?"

It was the student who has been using a time machine that keeps bringing her back to the same moment where her younger brother tells her the one about the ventriloquist who jerks off while sitting on the knee of the statue in front of the courthouse.

"Where were you?"

In the middle of the office party where human resources was experimentally drinking from the clear bottle the new guy brought in so everyone could see the baby mouse floating in it.  And then the scene changes to more advanced times in the distant future where the employees have lunch at their desks positioned under tubes plugged into the genetically engineered giant 3-ton star-nosed mole in the underbelly of their office complex that they have been feeding off of for the past fiscal year.

"Where were you?"

Or we could just skip to the part where you tell me to tell you the one where you leave because you are leaving because you're tired of the popping in and out and you just want to be out and I tell you the part where you come back because I bring you back with my telling you about how with all the handles and legs and the corners and the torn dresses and bruises that we can lie together broken together on the flap of this cardboard box lying together on this flap until we fall in or fall out.

"Where was I?"

Her lower body.  Going down.  Heading for a crack a cracked head splitting headache an ugly split from which she kept diverging the void in her empty life widening across the gore heading for a crack a cracked head splitting headache an ugly split from which she kept diverging the void in her empty life widening across the gore across the clouds across the sea across the porch felt something would feel something outside on the porch and go through it not just the door go through it the routine the routine of being foiled among the fences wiry numbers and their clinging digits won't come out in the wash after wash coming back again skin wrinkling into her eyes the curtains dark thick won't respond to the pulling the unfurling knows better now can't cover the windows now knowing better about the windows and yet just a better longer list of the obvious still stuck knowing better about the windows stuck on the windows on the world the windows on the living room the dying room stuck on looking out stuck on looking in the windows are stuck uncovered.

"Yes, where were you?"


Don't don't tell them don't tell them that don't tell them what?  come on, don't tell them what?  that you were disappointed?  that you were covered in your own disappointment standing in front of the windows on the world the windows looking in on what you were covered in the clouds are too high for your disappointment covered in it steaming while standing there covered in it and feeling a slight chill from the outside leaking in through the sill hairs on the arm bending towards the chill bending towards the glass bending towards the porch bending towards the weeds bending towards the clouds that are too high for your disappointment covered in it steaming while standing there covered in it and feeling a slight chill until they tell you to get away from the windows they'll get you unstuck with those thick fingers united in his angry hand brought down on the top of your head and the long head of hair the long face bring that long face away from the windows bringing you back bringing you back.

"Something like that."


Bringing you back with thick fingers united in an angry hand brought down on the keys as the screen goes blank and comes back brought back to life bringing you back with thick fingers united in an angry hand brought down on the keys as the screen goes blank and comes back brought back to life with its message internal error bringing you back with thick fingers united in an angry hand.


- Max Stoltenberg