Thursday, April 30, 2015

STALE IMPINGEMENT

The difference between large and larger is how much pain I inflict on myself the difference between small and smaller is how much I avoid keep my hands still and watch them both come down again and again they like to show it with an a cappella chorus of "Oh, shit!" The workbooks were used with all the answers in them 9 out of 10 problems 8 out of 10 problems 7 out of 10 why did I get these? phony ketchup nowadays chocolate syrup missed the milk went bad anyway missed the chunks that hit the nostrils swish for a nausea riding a dead cow manure on the panel trying to get the last word in before the commercial dropping something in the kitchen smearing the black syrup car leaking into the house on the neighborhood plenty of complaints making paper pushing it simple enough to have a complex my very own slice of the run over animal ran over walked as slow as I could to drag it out my showing up in this life is contingent on my making it for the last 5 minutes.

"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"Disregard."

The nanny idea was aborted not in time anyway sweat vaporized into the already hot air didn't want to say say to this look anything about her face reflected in her face this look anything about this say to this to say say to this didn't want to say didn't want hot air already your water is boiling the bottom the underside of the cabinets steamed up about things things having to do or not having to do with the nanny idea was aborted not in time tried to what negotiate? was that what it was legs folded under her face reflected in her face folded into the couch what do they call that what do they call this in her face this?

Eyes close into each other pressed into the top of a fist leaning on a fist for broken friendship is that what this was what they call it? Was it did we call it friendship is that what it was? Whatever it was we called it broken used that a lot broken this broken that broken people they complained about them but liked them that way easier to open and have other holes to poke and fill with themselves intersubjectivity my ass he dumped some of the pills but took enough enough to rid himself of the disease of life eyes close into each other pressed into the top of a fist leaning on a fist for broken friendship left out a letter omitted a response the one where it becomes apparent that it doesn't matter which is left out took enough to rid herself of just a fraction enough for a theme that tears everything apart enough enough to penetrate and separate her a little more a lot more eyes close into each other.

"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"Disregard."

He called to him to come out of hiding what to talk about who knew he called to him and there were the usual excuses bailing out this loved one and that not so loved one looking up backgrounds and the interruptions of viruses. Can't put her back together anymore she'll just have to do it herself no points no weapons lose everything with each death died so frequently moving around has lost its blur for a sharpness a definition high with manic clarity walked briefly across a bridge between tabs until one closed and fell through my head as the voice inside split across the brain into tomorrow and yesterday these hands have become useless can't even rip junk mail not even a beginning cut following the causality to the lower levels of others only between is where they lead to the spaces of their avoiding me walk away and follow closely behind them or pretend to sniff behind their ankles heels just heels lifting them out of what they stepped in leaving what they're leaving more gaps for me to pause and forget and hesitate to answer hesitate to act gaps and the interruptions of viruses.

"Are you ignoring me?"
"You're jumping to conclusions."
"I like jumping to conclusions. It's the only exercise I get these days."
"When I was a child and my parents would take me to visit my cousins they had one of those upright pianos against the wall and under a picture that was very grey and looked like a boardwalk that appeared to go to the edge of the ocean except that there was nothing beyond the boardwalk no sea no sky just grey it almost matched the boardwalk except there was enough contrast in the boardwalk just enough to let you know there was nothing after the last step nothing and I would lift the lid on the piano and I would make up notes and press them softly and wait to listen to them fade into nothing until one of the adults would come up behind me and say, I think we've had enough.  I would sit there with my ears burning with the dissonance of silence and their words echoing in it and banging against it and pivot on that bench and swing my legs around to walk back along the boardwalk into the never enough that held my hesitation in place between the planks of every return trip."

The difference between large and larger is how much pain I inflict on myself the difference between small and smaller is how much I avoid keep my hands still and watch them both come down again and again they like to show it with an a cappella chorus of "Oh, shit!" The workbooks were used with all the answers in them 9 out of 10 problems 8 out of 10 problems 7 out of 10 why did I get these? phony ketchup nowadays chocolate syrup missed the milk went bad anyway missed the chunks that hit the nostrils swish for a nausea riding a dead cow manure on the panel trying to get the last word in before the commercial dropping something in the kitchen smearing the black syrup car leaking into the house on the neighborhood plenty of complaints making paper pushing it simple enough to have a complex my very own slice of the run over animal ran over walked as slow as I could to drag it out my showing up in this life is contingent on my making it for the last 5 minutes.


- Max Stoltenberg

Thursday, April 23, 2015

CONCERTO FOR BRUSHSTROKE AND PLAYERS

The hammer was on the ground next to a grave that had been dug with the back end of it. The digger sat down next to an empty cardboard box looking around it to see if the hammer was still there and waited for the stomach pain to subside. And the stomach pain continued on in keeping with its resolve. The things remained where they were unless rubbed by the weather until more choices among them the choices of words stirred them up into an internal dance of motionlessness.

arrows do not actually move
tell the hearts they pierce
that

with all the moving around
of which parts matter
at the time of entry

we leave them alone
and bother each other
instead

nothing moves 
not really
after all the collisions

spaces for the margins
of existence
poetry retreats
from the margins of books

Get up get up get out of there it's not that deep I regret having said hello again and again during those earlier times I saw you I see you now I see your predicament and now I am blind I've lost my sense of the dimensions I should talk right maybe I shouldn't as the dimensions come pooling back shitting out like diarrhea in the dark corner of my mind goodbye says shut the fuck up while the marks of getting up and getting out wander away into it out of it get up get up get out of there it's not that deep I regret having said having said having anything at all said ripped from the room whipped like a plaque stuck the wall of forgotten expiration dating matched paired up like tangled cord behind and under the desk where asses bang heads into fake wood screwed together adhering to nonsense having nonsense come out with the afterbirth after it was too late out in the open where tree branches drop leaves coming a long way for bark cold bark of smelling the cut of hurt thumbs part to push up the wound bulging with ignored questions they're they're going on to something else too late out in the open where tree branches drop leaves coming a long way for bark cold bark.

"I can't remember what we were we talking about?"
"You're doing this again because you don't want to discuss it."
"How can I? All I get is did it have to do with I'm not even getting that."
"Are you seriously going to swipe everything off the counter of our conversation and into the hole of your coma?"
"No no I'm not. This is the coma."
"Do something else with your arm like getting it stuck in a lathe?"
"I don't know what I've been drinking."
"The house is surrounded."
"House?"
"The building the building is surrounded."
"Someone is going out to talk to them."
"You don't have to do this."
"What? Make shit up?"
"No I mean go out to talk to them."
"I wasn't going to go out to talk to them."
"I'm asking you to reconsider in short this could be this is an opportunity to be the roundabout in the circular argument that can finally be employed to bolster the weaker passages through the woods through the nothing but arid spaces you know you've always known what needs to be said to them now go I'm asking you to reconsider."
"Being employed isn't what it used to be."
"Now you're just making excuses. It's understandable you have your doubts and what day like today that arrives at last today on this today without it being put off until today without doubts?"
"What I'm getting at is that that someone is already wrapping up out there."
"You've missed it I tell you a bonehead for chiseling at the hands of the mob. You had your chance the chance and allowed the thin conduit available to you to them to fill with dirt desert dirt."
"Wasn't I the one who said existence is the narrow course between the runs and constipation?"
"That was said by the woman in the camouflage shorts in that awful joke you told the night you couldn't stop vomiting."
"So I did say it."
"You claimed it was inspired by some friend of yours who shared a similar joke that was actually quite different and even more tasteless with its gory details of old lady bridge players interrupting their bidding and play from the dummy with the presentation of sex organs found stuffed in brass instruments."
"I don't find your line of reasoning persuasive in the least. A slathering of the macabre is no different than the surgical mask covering a physician's alternating smirks and expressions of disgust."
"You had your shot."
"We keep changing the angle and missing a vein."

We've been out of the woods for too long and look for a canopy in the waste the quench has lost its way in the back of our throats to trip over itself and cough we choke ourselves into tears without the emptying of a sorrow that never comes only escapes with our euphemisms and chairs stacked in the back of our minds standing with our faces turned away from the table under the cracked glass spilling unpleasing water trickling towards a smashed bug its surface tension cannot lift its crushed its crushed while all the while we've been out of the woods for too long and look for a canopy in the waste.


- Max Stoltenberg