GALL

Nothing could make her move toward anything while she heard the pounding of her hands on her desk in her head where anything could make her move toward nothing.  Thinking of attempts she had made attempts she had made to think to think of dried clothes warmed and uninterrupted by other sounds sounds of other voices and their spit spit darkening the fabric.  But first the slamming of the lid of the laundry basket but next things first for she was covered in ifs, ands, ors, and buts.  Can not can not can not can not can not bear it either way.  There they are there it is needing and not needing something cracking something up or down or out or in two cut in two cut short in a brief patch over that tear in the blouse came that way through a brief patch when visiting or when visited by those people that posture he had so important to him even when he reached down with his hands cut short in brief red threw the pair in the bin could drop it off won't join it for now let it drop away with its clothes that grow and thin around her drop them off let them drop off into a dark hole growing in her skull in that back corner see the back of her the locks coming down that yellow dress with the tiny circles lollipops maybe there they are there it is.


"Maybe maybe you could turn around before."


"Before what?"


"Before the 5 minutes."


"No."


The corner sank into the tar slathered over the gap.  But first before the slamming of the lid of the laundry basket but first before the slamming turn around can not can not can not can not see her face from white page to white tabletop to white laptop to white screen to white blinds to white tile to white door paneled impaneled paneled to white light outside to white rocks to the white line space to the white line space to the white line space stop space to the white lines on black tar slathered over the gap where the corner sank but first before the slamming of the lid of the laundry basket but first before the slamming turn around turn around please and show that face those lips a drop of snot on the edge of them but first turn around before the slamming of the lid of the laundry basket what is that on the lid?  Are those lines are those shapes want to count the sides count can not can not can not can not see her face from white page to white tabletop to white laptop to white screen to white blinds to white tile to white door paneled impaneled in a big hard wooden box they had to count had to had to count now one time too many.


"Maybe maybe you could turn around before."


"Before what?"


"Before the 5 minutes."


"No."


"Don't say no to me."


"You say no to me."


"Say no to me again and I'll say no to you again.  One time too many two times too many three four ten too many times too many.  Can not can not can not can not count my teacher used to say to me she did.  She could count they could count me out unless they wanted me to sit in a big wooden box with others they had counted on count me out count me in the c word screamed at you to put your undies on with that voice that screamed at me couldn't let me run around with my fingers visiting them or did they visit us together in the brief patch surrounded by hedges told me there were mountains beyond the things you told me they told me couldn't count one time too many two times too many three four ten too many times too many couldn't count on what they told me couldn't count the teacher told me didn't add up have me taken away they told me no equals ever not even for a brief patch the brief patch surrounded by hedges with those behind them they told me couldn't count on what they told me surrounded by ifs, ands, ors, and buts. Say no to me again and I'll say no to you again.  Yes just makes stay but no might make me move might make me stir might make me scream might make me fume might make me smolder might make me might make me might might think think of attempts of of attempts to think to think of dried clothes warmed and uninterrupted by other sounds sounds of other voices and their spit spit darkening the fabric."


- Max Stoltenberg