"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"Disregard."
The nanny idea was aborted not in time anyway sweat vaporized into the already hot air didn't want to say say to this look anything about her face reflected in her face this look anything about this say to this to say say to this didn't want to say didn't want hot air already your water is boiling the bottom the underside of the cabinets steamed up about things things having to do or not having to do with the nanny idea was aborted not in time tried to what negotiate? was that what it was legs folded under her face reflected in her face folded into the couch what do they call that what do they call this in her face this?
Eyes close into each other pressed into the top of a fist leaning on a fist for broken friendship is that what this was what they call it? Was it did we call it friendship is that what it was? Whatever it was we called it broken used that a lot broken this broken that broken people they complained about them but liked them that way easier to open and have other holes to poke and fill with themselves intersubjectivity my ass he dumped some of the pills but took enough enough to rid himself of the disease of life eyes close into each other pressed into the top of a fist leaning on a fist for broken friendship left out a letter omitted a response the one where it becomes apparent that it doesn't matter which is left out took enough to rid herself of just a fraction enough for a theme that tears everything apart enough enough to penetrate and separate her a little more a lot more eyes close into each other.
"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"505 to 506."
"Go ahead."
"Disregard."
He called to him to come out of hiding what to talk about who knew he called to him and there were the usual excuses bailing out this loved one and that not so loved one looking up backgrounds and the interruptions of viruses. Can't put her back together anymore she'll just have to do it herself no points no weapons lose everything with each death died so frequently moving around has lost its blur for a sharpness a definition high with manic clarity walked briefly across a bridge between tabs until one closed and fell through my head as the voice inside split across the brain into tomorrow and yesterday these hands have become useless can't even rip junk mail not even a beginning cut following the causality to the lower levels of others only between is where they lead to the spaces of their avoiding me walk away and follow closely behind them or pretend to sniff behind their ankles heels just heels lifting them out of what they stepped in leaving what they're leaving more gaps for me to pause and forget and hesitate to answer hesitate to act gaps and the interruptions of viruses.
"Are you ignoring me?"
"You're jumping to conclusions."
"I like jumping to conclusions. It's the only exercise I get these days."
"When I was a child and my parents would take me to visit my cousins they had one of those upright pianos against the wall and under a picture that was very grey and looked like a boardwalk that appeared to go to the edge of the ocean except that there was nothing beyond the boardwalk no sea no sky just grey it almost matched the boardwalk except there was enough contrast in the boardwalk just enough to let you know there was nothing after the last step nothing and I would lift the lid on the piano and I would make up notes and press them softly and wait to listen to them fade into nothing until one of the adults would come up behind me and say, I think we've had enough. I would sit there with my ears burning with the dissonance of silence and their words echoing in it and banging against it and pivot on that bench and swing my legs around to walk back along the boardwalk into the never enough that held my hesitation in place between the planks of every return trip."
The difference between large and larger is how much pain I inflict on myself the difference between small and smaller is how much I avoid keep my hands still and watch them both come down again and again they like to show it with an a cappella chorus of "Oh, shit!" The workbooks were used with all the answers in them 9 out of 10 problems 8 out of 10 problems 7 out of 10 why did I get these? phony ketchup nowadays chocolate syrup missed the milk went bad anyway missed the chunks that hit the nostrils swish for a nausea riding a dead cow manure on the panel trying to get the last word in before the commercial dropping something in the kitchen smearing the black syrup car leaking into the house on the neighborhood plenty of complaints making paper pushing it simple enough to have a complex my very own slice of the run over animal ran over walked as slow as I could to drag it out my showing up in this life is contingent on my making it for the last 5 minutes.
- Max Stoltenberg
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