IN THE LIEU OF A CONCLUSION

Thought we were agreed upon it that we had agreed upon something that resembled something with some similarities or maybe just one similarity guess not anymore or never had been agreed upon thought we were upon a common ground only one out here since since thought we were agreed had agreed had not we agreed if we had agreed if it had not been thought about it wouldn't be looking down at the ground the common ground tripped over a part of it on the way out here to meet no one to get away from that to keep walking away to keep walking on alone only one out here since since since yes only since nothing beyond that since since noticing the sun the heat thought about it wouldn't be looking down at the ground that more than one similarity after another similarity more than one no one no no one out here.

Let's talk.

Think that's so great what a piece of shit think that's so fucking great what a fucking lousy piece of fucking shit.  Thought we were agreed upon it that we had agreed upon something that resembled something with some similarities or maybe just one similarity guess not anymore or never had been agreed upon thought we were upon a common ground only one out here since since since yes only since keep it to just since nothing else beyond that since or since since since what never mind only one out here no one else out here.

Let's talk.

Since since what?  Nothing no one out there here out here no one out here there.  That was the last slice.  What made that bruise?  Since noticing the sun the heat trying not to think about it since since what?  Noticing no one out there here out here no one out here there.  That was the last slice.  What made that bruise?  Since noticing the sun the heat trying not to even get to it got out here though no one out here.

Let's talk.

"You've put it out there."

Won't looking down at the ground the rocky ground won't looking up at the sky with its shine crisp sharp rubbed with a paper towel cleaning drops in the corners of both eyes.  Both eyes reading backwards past the mass the mass in the mind architecture fallen around the ground the rocky ground won't looking up at the sky with its shine crisp sharp rubbed with a paper towel cleaning drops in the corners of both eyes.  Both eyes reading backwards past the mass the mass in the mind. And and that's and that's what that's what they want to keep it going just keep walking on past what they want to keep it going just keep walking on past what they want what they thought we were agreed upon it that we had agreed upon something that resembled something with some similarities or maybe just one similarity guess not anymore or never had been agreed upon thought we were upon a common ground only one out here since since thought we were agreed had agreed had not we agreed if we had agreed if it had not been thought about it wouldn't be looking down at the ground the common ground tripped over a part of it on the way out here to meet no one to get away from that to keep walking away to keep walking on alone only one out here since since since yes only since nothing beyond that since since noticing the sun the heat thought about it wouldn't be looking down at the ground that more than one similarity after another similarity more than one no one no no one out here.

Let's talk.

"You've put it out there."

"So you've said."

"No.  You've said."

"Have I?"

"Think so."

"I'll say it again.  Have I?"

"Now you're opening it up."

"Opening up what?"

"The package."

"Is that all you have to offer is another package?  That's all its ever been is packages.  Offer after offer one package after another one package upon another thrown onto the pile discarded until they block it out.  Offer after offer one package after another one package upon another thrown onto the pile until they block them out not the ones who want to keep it going not them but them the walls that used to live with things growing in them holes in them to see through to eyes that used to look back opening and closing with lashes that made their mark between each rib.  Packages you're not even looking no one here."

Let's talk.

"Eyes that used to what did you say after that?"

"Never mind."

"Don't do that."

"Don't do that."

"Don't do that."

"Won't."

"Won't what?"

"Instead I'll tell you what else happened."

"And when was this?"

"Hard to make out.  It's prehistory now."

"Prehistory?  I thought we were past that."

"We were thought we were thought we were agreed upon it that we had agreed upon something that resembled something with some similarities or maybe just one similarity guess not anymore or never had been agreed upon thought we were upon a common ground only one out here."

Let's talk.

"Back to this again."

"Yes, back to this again.  It comes around again to this again."

"I thought we were past that."

"Both eyes reading backwards past the mass the mass in the mind.  And and that's and that's what that's what they want to keep it going just keep walking on past past that and you thought we were past that."

"Are you quoting me?"

"I'm quoting you tepidly.  The walls of this head have ears."

"Is this another one of your self-conscious moments?"

"No.  Yes.  Maybe.  Mostly agree.  Slightly disagree.  Give me a moment."

"You've had a shitload of moments."

"That's true.  And how much is that roughly?"

"A shitload."

"I know.  How much is a shitload?"

"Think about it."

"When it's a matter of self-consciousness it's more in the nose the bad smells and the odors and the decay and the waste.  Each moment is a shitload."

"Must you put that out there into the universe?"

"Into the universe?"

"Yes.  What's the universe going to do with that?  I hate to think."

"You use that expression as if somehow it serves to fill in the blanks or pushes out some of the better words I've been lucky enough to remember to use or forgotten they were here or when I was distracted by a pelican that web-footed thing the grey storm cloud slapping itself like a blob of mired paint onto the wood of the pier stuck into above the ocean that began there began around the outer waves around the inner deeper the pelican's mouth opening close it close it and expression as if somehow it serves to fill in the blanks or pushes out some of the better borrowed lost words lost to you and the universe a long and very slow death by hanging."

Instead I'll tell you what else happened.  I was sitting and while I was sitting I turned my head and looked not too far across the room and saw her there and she had been looking at me.  Her legs weakened and collapsed her fur aging her dark eyes diffused with almost total blindness had been looking at me and it was then that I realized she had been looking at me and was still looking at me and I saw in her through her something looking at me.

"Something big?"

No.  Something very small.  Offer after offer one package after another one package upon another thrown onto the pile discarded until they block it out.  Discarded.  Another discarded package on the growing pile that's all the growing there will ever really be.  Offer after offer invitation after invitation to welcome you in and they move on to the next invitation while you take up residence opening it closing it taking up residence until you do them yet another favor of discarding yourself onto the pile the growing pile that's all the growing there will ever really be.  Thought we were agreed upon it that we had agreed upon something that resembled something with some similarities or maybe just one similarity guess not anymore or never had been.  One package after another one package upon another thrown onto the pile until they block them out not the ones who want to keep it going not them but them the walls that used to live with things growing in them holes in them to see through to eyes that used to look back opening and closing with lashes that made their mark between each rib.  Packages you're not even looking no one here.


- Max Stoltenberg