It was curtains. It was curtains through which he was re-introduced into society. It was curtains. Lifting and turning pages amazed that he could follow as long as he had follow signs to and from his desk to his bed from his office to his bed from his car to his bed from the highway to the bed past the one lane closure one eye with the lid pulled down for fitting some missing frames of a dream it was a nightmare leave its sharp edges be let them fade still there. It was curtains. Lifting and turning pages amazed that he could follow as long as he had follow the signs on the other hand no it must be this hand held up bending it back like an old man bending not getting back to his other hand bending under the ledge he used to look down from can't even lift hands and their other hands over the ledge to conjure a spark long ago shortly quickly passing away to catch in the throat and there are the wordless signs following wordless signs can't follow what he's read can't follow much else can't follow can't stop the following of the wordless feet thudding can't even lift hands and their other hands to conjure a spark long ago shortly quickly passing away to catch in the throat and there are the wordless feet thudding under the ledge beneath the bleachers.
It's curtains through which pushing through layers of clothes didn't make it very far mostly flattened for basements no basements to be found they didn't make it very far mostly flattened. Pushing through layers of clothes through to the looks on their faces two faces why even bother to begin to say something stop thinking stop breathing. Stop putting the hairbrush so close to the toothbrush all the hairs the bristles all the wires reaching back there why did he reach back there? pushed down whose hand on the top on the back of his head? pushed down whose hand his hers on the other hand other hands pushing down pushing through layers of clothes didn't make it very far mostly flattened for basements no basements no basement windows around shutting their eyes around the pushing around through layers of clothes held breath spilled hurled breath pushing through layers of clothes through to the looks on their faces two faces why even bother to begin to say something stop thinking stop breathing. Back behind a dark screen. It was fish plastic fish plastic curtains. It was curtains. Another attempt a later attempt another attempt to stay to stay out of the trajectory of random acts ever mindful random acts collisions with other people's things other people's faces other people's looks other people's thinking and screaming associations ruled out bodies not inclined only laid out in chains limbs chained together with the down side of the up and down the side of the down side of being touched by the wounding impact of the lines and the tape that is not crossed spaces reserved for a double crossing.
"Make it a double."
Another attempt to stay to stay out of the trajectory of random acts ever mindful random acts collisions with other people's things other people's faces other people's looks other people's thinking and screaming associations ruled out bodies not inclined only laid out in chains limbs chained together with the down side of the up and down the side of the down side of being touched by the wounding impact of the lines and the tape that is not crossed spaces reserved for a double crossing.
"That would be mine. Make mine a double."
The hogs wouldn't turn around at the sound of their names being called for another round they had it had had it right where they were sitting on newspaper holding it down keeping it down when told to keep it down that they had heard even the flapping and turning of the pages of the newspaper as it caught the wind sweaty with wind taking the stories from them as they had heard even the flapping and turning of the pages of the newspaper as it caught the wind sweaty with wind taking the stories from them as they had it had had it right where they were sitting holding nothing now but themselves down alas the down side of the up and down the side of the down side holding it down keeping it down when told to keep it down as they were told as they were called what had they been called? some derogatory animal thing a thing now for weighing down other things and itself can't even roll over when it could upset so so many so many others so many other things for weighing down other things and themselves keeping it down as they had been told as they had been called what had they been called to turn around at the sounds of being called for another round they had it had had it right where they were where their stories once were and had been taken away with the sounds of flapping and the turning of pages caught by the wind sweaty with wind taking the stories from them.
When asked when asked about it when being asked about being asked about it they were hot and cold about it when it came to the latest relocation they could only comment on its darker shades of discouragement less and less mobility was up ahead up ahead go ahead ask them go ahead when asked they were hot and cold when they stood in the narrow back hallway looking at each other's modes of looking at each other's modes of looking at each other. When asked when asked about it when being asked about being asked about it they were hot and cold.
"I am covered in a full-body membrane of perspiration deep-fried in the humid air around me as my nail polish has melted from vivid kaleidoscopes to abstract secretions mixed with the essence of amusement park rubbish basted with the drippings that started from their conception in the steaming pools rising among my hair follicles bordering along my scalp and coursing their way through my eyebrows interbreeding with the verge that has formed up there and worked their way to the ceilings of the sockets where the sweltering and globule-like threads of various waste products can drain down onto glistening lids or catch and burn in my inflamed corneas."
"My gums are shivering trying not to let it make any cracks in my ice cube of a head where the stubble has frozen still into one glacial expression that is further blanketed with the arctic blasts recirculated by the vents of my nostrils where stalactites of mucus are encrusted and ever so slightly flake off as snow onto the rigid form below where limbs can no longer recall how to flex or bend while -"
"Oh do go on do go on can't wait to hear more about the exact opposite of reality and its supreme denial man of snow and ice in the boiling desert."
"That's right that's right and so incontrovertible so ironclad an argument there never was as she clawed at his blue frost-smitten skin thawing his popsicle blood with her rage so that its profuse ink could re-harden as it reached the blue refrigerated surface."
"It is alas too bad that your mouth runs far longer than any air conditioning program you could ever set."
"What do you have to be so forlorn about when the only consolation left to me consists of missing more of what you spew because of the chilled slowing down of the eardrum translating all you say into the sound of paper crumpled up to hide suicidal musings."
"I already knew that that you don't hear a word I say."
"You're right and it certainly does have a better dead quality about it when it's more intentional."
"And what do you mean by that?"
"No no. No, I'm not falling for that one."
"What one?"
"No no. Don't play the simpleton with me and pretend like you don't mean to get me to discuss the intent of my intent and then just allow the organic emission of something stupid where I confirm the illogical and contradictory nature of all my nonsense."
"You'd rather your making a fool of yourself be by your own hand? Well, what are you waiting for?"
"What good is an overture or disclaimer or warning now when it ruins the threat of nonsense?"
"What's the largest piece of dandruff you've ever seen?"
"I've got to say probably what you put in front of me for breakfast yesterday or was it the day before?"
"Ungrateful rash."
"No really, I think it was sometime or several times during the last many months. Enough to adorn this shack from the cradle to the cap."
"Where is it?"
"The cradle or the cap?"
"No. The bottles."
"I've been out of whiskey for who knows how long. Just can't find where you've been stockpiling it behind some false wall."
"What false wall? This one right here between us is pretty fucking thick if you ask me."
"Need something to hold up the roof over our heads since I have shit for brains."
"Don't think this'll let you inside me just because I agree with you."
"I wouldn't dare get so cocky."
"Wouldn't? You couldn't you mean."
"And who says I'd even want to attempt a re-entry? I'd make a forsaken cinder of myself."
"It gives you great joy to keep your elliptical aloofness."
"What joy? I just feel less less-fortunate orbiting you and the Earth from out here."
"Where are the bottles?"
"I already told you. You've been holding out on me."
"No, not the whiskey. Where are your bottles of that bright red stuff you love to suck down?"
"Oh that stuff. Made me belch like a fog horn."
"No wonder we haven't had any glass in our windows since whenever."
"Come on. You know the reason for that."
"All the flies."
"Rocks."
"All the fumes."
"People."
"All the noise."
"Words. All the shouting. So many of them. And the things the things they said about me, but most of all the things they said about you. She is so emaciated now."
"What would make them say that with this poochy belly?"
"I was talking about the cat. I think he's deliberately going out and letting himself get attacked. Did you see that hole in his head behind his left ear?"
"His right ear."
"I thought it was his left."
"Put out your hands and we'll do the test again."
"How about I put out my eyes and we can forgo my disorientation problems?"
"You've been nipping at the bright red soda again haven't you?"
"No."
"Haven't you?"
"I said no already. All right already?"
"I'd hate to see what it does to your shit."
"You would. It's getting difficult enough to find space behind the house to dig a hole and then witness your own log rupture and hemorrhage with the stuff. It practically swamps the thing."
He noticed the look she was giving him what she was giving him the look she was giving him.
"I'm very familiar too familiar with holes and myself. Familiarity is all that keeps me showing up for giving two popped testicles regarding what comes out of me. Scratching and sniffing about the yard for a patch that hasn't been used yet. Used. I'm very familiar too familiar with holes and myself when the only spot where one can step outside is between bathrooms."
"Your eyes are turning red."
"It's the air descending upon us for another day."
"You used to laugh at my bit about the hemorrhaging. What're you doing?"
"I was trying to get that bug under your arm."
"Under my right arm? I'll get it."
"Your left arm. Let me."
"My left arm. I'll do it. I've grown accustomed to getting my own bugs."
"I think it fell off."
"It's fallen off all right. It's all fallen off. Can't make my quota. It's the only measure to compare to anything how many bugs I've managed to kill or trap in the containers we haven't lost or broken yet."
"I know they're not in the best of shape."
"The containers?"
"No. My feet. You were looking down at them noticing them? Weren't you?"
"I can if you want."
"Forget it."
"That's right tell me to do that. I'm so capable with that one. I'm told and off it goes. It's not like I don't have any control over what I get to relish and let go of."
"I'm sorry."
"No, you don't understand I'm the one who's sorry."
"About how this went?"
"No, about how this is going now about how this always goes now."
"Nutjob, even if you weren't looking down at them look at my feet. I know I'm so demanding all those expectations of mine but never mind that now. You and your how this is going now and your how this always goes now. The sanitation truck you hear it doing something and the shit keeps building nothing but building."
"Your feet and my head. Almost made a complete individual. Not quite. Not quite. Almost made it to the water so we could soak your feet and my head in the waves. Almost made it. Not quite. What're you doing? Is there another bug crawling on me?"
"No, I was going to just touch you."
"Don't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because that's when this goes away. That's how it always goes. Well, it doesn't go away on the way up and out of this I then pass through this other dream more like a nightmare. It always takes place in a store or a mall or some kind of hotel lobby or something. And I'm always trying to hide between the layers of clothes hanging on sales racks or those luggage carrier things. And even though I don't see them most of the time I'm hiding I know they're around somewhere making sure I don't get too far and I'm even aware even though I don't see them either friends it's like I think I have some and they're there somewhere or right behind me but I don't dare turn around I just hide and then it ends with the part where I take the risk of pushing my head through the layers of clothes and stick my head out and I see the faces two faces of these two faces and they look so worn down by things and like they want to help they want to listen they want to believe what I'm saying but they can't and I can feel I can hear my thoughts backing up giving up and sticking to the outside of my head as my head can't get back into hiding sticking to the clothes to the covering the plastic covering curtains it's curtains I yank my head back in and look up standing at attention as I notice some tall man with his face his look that says I've got you and it's going to be OK. So I stay inside. Trying not to step outside trying to stay in the house trying to stay inside trying not to step out into the house into this room blown apart exposed by windows and doors and rocks and shouting. So please don't touch. Never was good at holding on to things. That's what they always said with the looks on their faces their two faces. They travel in pairs and they pursue you surround you you get away and you go through it again. That's where the shaking comes from. It's all my body can take credit for are these vibrations all I've been able to make except for my mind being able to put together a nightmare wrapped in two slices of bleak drudgery."
Another attempt to stay to stay out of the trajectory of random acts ever mindful random acts collisions with other people's things other people's faces other people's looks other people's thinking and screaming associations ruled out bodies not inclined only laid out in chains limbs chained together with the down side of the up and down the side of the down side of being touched by the wounding impact of the lines and the tape that is not crossed spaces reserved for a double crossing.
"That would be mine. Make mine a double."
- Max Stoltenberg
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